=(

i haven't really returned to this site in a long time. but i keep coming back when i need to. now's the perfect time to do that.

i never thought it possible for me to like someone unexpectedly. he came at a time i never really thought was significant but in a matter of a few months he became the most important part of my life.

i put my heart on my sleeve but it wasn't enough. it's funny really, he isn't what people would expect that i'd go for, but at that time, i was willing to let go of everything i listed as my top 3 because he was the sweetest and nicest thing that ever happened to me. he reminded me a lot of my dad and that really got to me.

3 months of happiness for 2010. not bad really. it's painful though for me now, coz i got attached and for the first time in my life, was honest. i told him how i felt and what did i get? that he wasn't feeling the same way. can someone just explain to me what happened between us? what's with all the texting, emailing, ym-ing? i never opened up to someone the same way i did to him. i thought things were going nicely, i was wrong.

i don't know what happened but somewhere along the way i knew that my craziness could have severed, for the lack of a better term, it. or, possibly i was just an assuming little girl. i guess that's over now. i would never really know his reasons for doing the things he did and i for one ain't asking him about it. i'll surely miss his constant presence in my life but just like what someone dear to me pointed out, it's better you both decided to not go through with something not meant to be than force it to happen then get hurt later on.

i've apologized for making his life crazy and for everything i did to him a lot of times today and i guess that's all i can do. if only i can take back time, i would. i'd rather not have met him and not hurt him than know him and get hurt in the process.

wow, this is really the real world, huh? i guess at some point i know i have to grow up and experience these things. thank you for showing me my best and worst sides. if only i can tell you how much you've inspired me to be better and less bratty but that is something i won't tell you anymore lest you call me a drama queen yet again. it's too bad that you witnessed how crazy i can really get.

well, all i need is a week and then i can safely say i'll be better. my heart will heal coz it healed from much bigger pain. besides, christmas is just around the corner, who could stay sad during that season?

i hate you

i know that hate is such a strong word but because of you, i lost my friend. never again, will i ever talk to both of you. bagay kayo sa isa't isa kaya kayo nalang bahala sa buhay niyo. ikaw, kung kaya mo igive up ang friendship natin dahil sa kanya, go ahead. pero i promise you di na kita hahanap-hanapin at kakausapin pa. mukang masaya ka naman ata sa kanya at nagbubulag-bulagan sa katotohanan.

salamat lang at dinelete mo ko sa phone mo ha. alam mo naman na ginawa ko yan sa isang tao noong college pa tayo dahil sa inis ko sa kanya tapos ginawa mo rin sakin? at you have the gall to ask it from me again? no thanks! simula ngayon kanya kanya na tayo. never will i show myself again kapag alam kong darating kayo ng gf mong hilaw. feeling ko tuloy ginamit niyo lang ako at ang worthless ko.

happy new hearts year! ♥

ok ok someone's being corny here! but anyway, it is Feb 15. Valentine's Day and Chinese New Year were just celebrated yesterday! I really don't have much to talk about except that sooooo many things have happened and I can say I'm a different person that the one who wrote here years ago.

I have learned not to get too attach to people anymore because at some point they will let you down and that is much harder to bear. It takes a long time to make things as normal as they can.

So moving on, grabe ang init init ng panahon dito sa Pilipinas! Para akong niluluto ng buhay! Ang malungkot pa dun, nakakahinayang maligo ng madaming beses kasi mababa na ang level ng tubig na nagbibigay ng kuryente sa bansa dahil sa El Nino! Kaya kung gusto ko maligo ng malimit, tabo at mabilisan lang ang mga shower para di sayang!

Yun lang, gusto ko lang mag-update! And yeah, dad's death anniversary passed already last Feb 5. Kay bilis lang talaga ng panahon!

more than a year

wow the last entry i had here was more than a year ago... a lot has happened since, 2008 was filled with mostly pain and memories that are better to be forgotten. but not for me, i have the memory of an elephant. rainwoman, my blockamtes used to call me, that's how my memory works. i remember dates especilaly, from bdays to death anniversaries, to sportsfest openings or to just about anything.

this month, is the month i would rather forget most. for me august 2008 was the most excruciatingly painful of all. its been a year and i guess this is the most perfect time to let it out. i can never talk about this in person as my eyes tear up and since i'm not one for hysterics, i keep them all to myself, or in the comforts of my own room, where no one will ever have to know.

2009 is supposed to be my year. at the beginning, i told myself this year would be fun, very much different from last year. but its saddening that it is in this year that most deaths have occurred. deaths of people that mattered. from francis m, to michael jackson, to president cory aquino and the most important person of all, my dad.

it was august of 2008 when it all began. my parents were staying a lot in quezon back then because they were having our houses done there. august 1, 2008 was the last time i ever received a text message from my father. and the content may be mundane but till now it remains un-deleted. i had a flat tire that day. whenever i had a flat tire, it was he that i'd call. then he and our driver would come to me with the other car then i'll take the car with me and leave them fixing the one with the flat. that time it was different. since dad was in the province, it was the driver that i called and waited for. while waiting for the driver to arrive, i called my dad in quezon, i was teasing him that he should have been in manila to "save" me. we were joking around for 11 minutes till the driver arrived. then he gave me instructions thru text about the tires needing replacement. and that was that. those were the last text exchanges..

august 5, 2008, my parents came back to manila because dad was complaining of constant headaches while in quezon. he had a series of checkups and all they ever found was mild stroke but that was it. or so we thought.

august 10, 2008. it was a sunday. we just came from church and were on our way to shangrila when out of nowhere my father asked me "if there was one last gift i can give you, what would it be?" i never thought he really meant last, and knowing me, i jokingly replied, "a car." then he said, that type, so i said "SUV." he told me to research about the types i wanted ASAP. so i did. the top 3 were TUCSON, CR-V and RAV4. by august 14, my dad and driver have visited Hyundai to check out Tucson CRDi. by august 16, dad was already paying for the car. Buster arrived home August 20. from this time on, my dad was already complaining that he can't remember a lot of things.. he's starting to lose his short term memory and would sometimes talk stuff we can't understand. it was as if he was hallucinating things.

august 24 was the most painful day of all. it was a sunday and as usual after mass, we were going somewhere to eat for lunch. during that day's mass, my father was very different. he was very stiff and was having a hard time walking, so during the holy communion, we had to ask the priest to come to him instead. i knew back then, there was something terribly wrong coz he was superman, nothing ever made him weak. on our way to metrowalk, we were to eat at Misato, he said the most painful thing i can ever hear. i was his favorite, everyone knew that, so for him to say this, "sino ang nagdadrive? bakit hindi si peper?" my mom had to reassure him that it was indeed me, who was driving. i couldn't look at all and i was crying right then and there. i dropped them off in front of misato so that my dad need not walk far. then i parked. i didn't witness what happened by my mom told my that when they got there, my dad sat on the table instead of the chair and they had to insist he sit on the chair because he was adamant on staying on the table. he couldn't eat on his own and my mom had to spoonfeed him. i was just crying the whole time, i couldn't eat. and my mom kept on telling me "never ever be ashamed of your father. he's sick right now but we don't know yet with what."

i picked them up right in front of misato and went home. i went straight to my room to cry. there i called my kabarkada who was studying med and asked her if stroke could really cause those things.. i was looking for answers. i was with my officemate sa YM, telling her what happened when there were frantic knocks on my door. when i opened it, mom was there telling me we should bring my dad to the hospital, to polymedic, since i had a tito there who could oversee everything. our driver was in cebu at that time so the driving task was left to me. one hindrance? EDSA. the hospital was along edsa and back then i was terrified of it. i was calling my brothers but they weren't answering. i was a nervous wreck.. how could i bring my father to the hospital safely when i was scared. i didn't know what was wrong with him and i didn't know how to drive in edsa. finally my eldest brother called to ask why i called him and i told him we had to bring dad to the hospital. and before we did, dad actually had a lucid moment to tell us "never be scared. kelangan calm lang kami and everything would be alright"

a lot of painful things happened while he was in the hospital. i'm not strong enough yet to tell the tale of everything. just thinking about it now, brings back all the pain i went through. every sunday i'd visit him there, all i did was talk about everything like i used to. the sad part was that he never replied to my stories.i never got to hear his voice again and back then i would have done anything to hear it. ever since august happened, and until he died february 5, 2009, i was in pain. he was there and yet i couldn't talk to him. i couldn't pull a prank on him like i used to. he was just always asleep.

all this time, very very few people knew. on the outside i appeared ok, cheerful and happy. they never really saw me break down. i couldn't talk as much as i wanted to, as much as i needed to let it all out. why? because talking about it made it real. because i got it from my dad. whenever he had problems, he didn't bother other people with because he didn't want to be a burden. i felt like that too. if i tell them what was happening to me, they'd just worry. kaya i'm eternally grateful to those who were there with me through and through because there were just days i couldn't hide it anymore. that the burden was too much to bear, and yet they were there to carry a part of that burden with me. all the people were shocked when my father died because they never even knew he was sick. he died of encephalitis, a viral disease of the brain. one of the smartest men who ever lived died because of a brain disease. it couldn't be more painful than that.

makapal na kung makapal pero matalino ako and minana ko lahat yan sa tatay ko. siya nagturo sakin mahalin ang math at kung paano to padaliin. pareho naming ayaw ang science lalo na ang arts.. di kami creative. laging pinakapangit ang project ko kasi wala talagang hint of creativity. nalulungkot ako kasi sana hindi nalang ganito ang memory ko. sana gaya nalang ako ng iba na unless isulat, di na maalala. hanggang ngayon alam ko ang petsa. hanggang ngayon malinaw parin siya.

the deaths that have been occurring lately keep on reminding me of the pain i endured so when i watch all the proceedings, i can't help but cry with the people left behind because i was in their position too.

i always say i'm already okay, and yes i am. but there are those days i can't help wonder what would my dad do or say if he were here. i lost the most important man of my life and so i am still licensed to cry once in a while. it will never be completely the same. but we've learned to adjust and make do with the new routines we have started doing.

and now i end this painful tale. i hope my next update won't take more than a year.

note: forgive the typos and wrong grammar if ever there was one... i wrote from the heart and just kept on writing all that were coming out =)

love lesson # 18743875274593

i guess its time for me to let it out. NEVER EVER LOVE A FRIEND! many people say that the best kind of love stems from friendship where love develops so beautifully and naturally. i guess that ain't applicable to me. i've liked loved this friend of mine for so long that i don't know anymore when it actually started. at his every beck and call, i'm there for him. he seems sweet and he seems to pay more attention to me but there's nothing there. although you can't blame me if sometimes i think there's something there.

you know what's harder, listening about his talks on love like who his crushes are or who he finds cute. but what's hardest is when he stresses the fact that he won't be able to like someone like me because i'm just not his type. i know i'll never be able to live up to his standards, being the exact opposite of what he wants. but that did not stop me because i thought love happens unexpectedly, that love surpasses the physical level. but i guess i'm wrong. even if my friends proved to me that who they currently love is an exception to their (physical) rule, i don't think it will ever apply.

never ever love a friend because you will surely end up getting hurt. like i've been. since i'm just a friend to him, he doesn't treat me in the way i'd dream he'd do so. he's not even a gentleman! ano ba naman ang hintayin muna akong mauna diba? baka sakali kasing may mangyari sakin pero wala na siya, singbilis ng alas singko.

there are times that he came too close. thank god that when he asks about my lovelife, we are not talking face to face, lest i give myself away. i'm so tired already. tired of being confused, tired of waiting, tired of just being there, as his FRIEND.

on this note, belated H a p p y V a l e n t i n e' s everyone!

this will also be my last post in a long time. i'm going on a hiatus. this is as true as i can ever be. letting the world know that i love my friend is an achievement for me coz i ALWAYS hide my true feelings, only really trusted friends know who he is. but i guess if i want to leave a message to the world, it would be this, NEVER LOVE A FRIEND UNLESS YOU'RE WILLING TO GET HURT IN THE PROCESS.

i shall leave the blogging world for a while and i shall leave it with a message for him " nakakatawang isipin na ikaw ang kasagutan sa iyong mga katanungan ngunit hindi mo ito nalalaman " (",)

stalking

haha! can i just share that my Re-yes friends are being stalked and a lot of the searchers have ended up on my blog just because their names were entered either on google or yahoo... kaya cri-sel-da at hu-bert, this is all i've got to say "UYYYY" =P

the search words used were "cri-sel-da re-yes" and "hu-bert re-yes friend-ster" respectively. i placed hyphens in between syllables so that when the names are entered in search engines, they won't end up in my blog.

i find this really amusing =)

simply adorable

my first post for the year! yey! hehe! well a lot of things have happened in a span of 3 weeks but all i can say is finally i can breathe and i can be myself again. no more need to pretend. i will leave it at that for there are things better left unsaid.

so for the subject of my post, one of my all time fave shows is finally being aired again and no matter if i have to leave my laptop on again for more than 10 hours just so i can download the episodes, its worth it! hot people once more! *drool* plus this kid, nathan and haley's son, is simply so cute and adorable! i wanna pinch him! must watch episodes to understand. here's a preview though... enjoy! =)