more than a year
wow the last entry i had here was more than a year ago... a lot has happened since, 2008 was filled with mostly pain and memories that are better to be forgotten. but not for me, i have the memory of an elephant. rainwoman, my blockamtes used to call me, that's how my memory works. i remember dates especilaly, from bdays to death anniversaries, to sportsfest openings or to just about anything.
this month, is the month i would rather forget most. for me august 2008 was the most excruciatingly painful of all. its been a year and i guess this is the most perfect time to let it out. i can never talk about this in person as my eyes tear up and since i'm not one for hysterics, i keep them all to myself, or in the comforts of my own room, where no one will ever have to know.
2009 is supposed to be my year. at the beginning, i told myself this year would be fun, very much different from last year. but its saddening that it is in this year that most deaths have occurred. deaths of people that mattered. from francis m, to michael jackson, to president cory aquino and the most important person of all, my dad.
it was august of 2008 when it all began. my parents were staying a lot in quezon back then because they were having our houses done there. august 1, 2008 was the last time i ever received a text message from my father. and the content may be mundane but till now it remains un-deleted. i had a flat tire that day. whenever i had a flat tire, it was he that i'd call. then he and our driver would come to me with the other car then i'll take the car with me and leave them fixing the one with the flat. that time it was different. since dad was in the province, it was the driver that i called and waited for. while waiting for the driver to arrive, i called my dad in quezon, i was teasing him that he should have been in manila to "save" me. we were joking around for 11 minutes till the driver arrived. then he gave me instructions thru text about the tires needing replacement. and that was that. those were the last text exchanges..
august 5, 2008, my parents came back to manila because dad was complaining of constant headaches while in quezon. he had a series of checkups and all they ever found was mild stroke but that was it. or so we thought.
august 10, 2008. it was a sunday. we just came from church and were on our way to shangrila when out of nowhere my father asked me "if there was one last gift i can give you, what would it be?" i never thought he really meant last, and knowing me, i jokingly replied, "a car." then he said, that type, so i said "SUV." he told me to research about the types i wanted ASAP. so i did. the top 3 were TUCSON, CR-V and RAV4. by august 14, my dad and driver have visited Hyundai to check out Tucson CRDi. by august 16, dad was already paying for the car. Buster arrived home August 20. from this time on, my dad was already complaining that he can't remember a lot of things.. he's starting to lose his short term memory and would sometimes talk stuff we can't understand. it was as if he was hallucinating things.
august 24 was the most painful day of all. it was a sunday and as usual after mass, we were going somewhere to eat for lunch. during that day's mass, my father was very different. he was very stiff and was having a hard time walking, so during the holy communion, we had to ask the priest to come to him instead. i knew back then, there was something terribly wrong coz he was superman, nothing ever made him weak. on our way to metrowalk, we were to eat at Misato, he said the most painful thing i can ever hear. i was his favorite, everyone knew that, so for him to say this, "sino ang nagdadrive? bakit hindi si peper?" my mom had to reassure him that it was indeed me, who was driving. i couldn't look at all and i was crying right then and there. i dropped them off in front of misato so that my dad need not walk far. then i parked. i didn't witness what happened by my mom told my that when they got there, my dad sat on the table instead of the chair and they had to insist he sit on the chair because he was adamant on staying on the table. he couldn't eat on his own and my mom had to spoonfeed him. i was just crying the whole time, i couldn't eat. and my mom kept on telling me "never ever be ashamed of your father. he's sick right now but we don't know yet with what."
i picked them up right in front of misato and went home. i went straight to my room to cry. there i called my kabarkada who was studying med and asked her if stroke could really cause those things.. i was looking for answers. i was with my officemate sa YM, telling her what happened when there were frantic knocks on my door. when i opened it, mom was there telling me we should bring my dad to the hospital, to polymedic, since i had a tito there who could oversee everything. our driver was in cebu at that time so the driving task was left to me. one hindrance? EDSA. the hospital was along edsa and back then i was terrified of it. i was calling my brothers but they weren't answering. i was a nervous wreck.. how could i bring my father to the hospital safely when i was scared. i didn't know what was wrong with him and i didn't know how to drive in edsa. finally my eldest brother called to ask why i called him and i told him we had to bring dad to the hospital. and before we did, dad actually had a lucid moment to tell us "never be scared. kelangan calm lang kami and everything would be alright"
a lot of painful things happened while he was in the hospital. i'm not strong enough yet to tell the tale of everything. just thinking about it now, brings back all the pain i went through. every sunday i'd visit him there, all i did was talk about everything like i used to. the sad part was that he never replied to my stories.i never got to hear his voice again and back then i would have done anything to hear it. ever since august happened, and until he died february 5, 2009, i was in pain. he was there and yet i couldn't talk to him. i couldn't pull a prank on him like i used to. he was just always asleep.
all this time, very very few people knew. on the outside i appeared ok, cheerful and happy. they never really saw me break down. i couldn't talk as much as i wanted to, as much as i needed to let it all out. why? because talking about it made it real. because i got it from my dad. whenever he had problems, he didn't bother other people with because he didn't want to be a burden. i felt like that too. if i tell them what was happening to me, they'd just worry. kaya i'm eternally grateful to those who were there with me through and through because there were just days i couldn't hide it anymore. that the burden was too much to bear, and yet they were there to carry a part of that burden with me. all the people were shocked when my father died because they never even knew he was sick. he died of encephalitis, a viral disease of the brain. one of the smartest men who ever lived died because of a brain disease. it couldn't be more painful than that.
makapal na kung makapal pero matalino ako and minana ko lahat yan sa tatay ko. siya nagturo sakin mahalin ang math at kung paano to padaliin. pareho naming ayaw ang science lalo na ang arts.. di kami creative. laging pinakapangit ang project ko kasi wala talagang hint of creativity. nalulungkot ako kasi sana hindi nalang ganito ang memory ko. sana gaya nalang ako ng iba na unless isulat, di na maalala. hanggang ngayon alam ko ang petsa. hanggang ngayon malinaw parin siya.
the deaths that have been occurring lately keep on reminding me of the pain i endured so when i watch all the proceedings, i can't help but cry with the people left behind because i was in their position too.
i always say i'm already okay, and yes i am. but there are those days i can't help wonder what would my dad do or say if he were here. i lost the most important man of my life and so i am still licensed to cry once in a while. it will never be completely the same. but we've learned to adjust and make do with the new routines we have started doing.
and now i end this painful tale. i hope my next update won't take more than a year.
note: forgive the typos and wrong grammar if ever there was one... i wrote from the heart and just kept on writing all that were coming out =)
this month, is the month i would rather forget most. for me august 2008 was the most excruciatingly painful of all. its been a year and i guess this is the most perfect time to let it out. i can never talk about this in person as my eyes tear up and since i'm not one for hysterics, i keep them all to myself, or in the comforts of my own room, where no one will ever have to know.
2009 is supposed to be my year. at the beginning, i told myself this year would be fun, very much different from last year. but its saddening that it is in this year that most deaths have occurred. deaths of people that mattered. from francis m, to michael jackson, to president cory aquino and the most important person of all, my dad.
it was august of 2008 when it all began. my parents were staying a lot in quezon back then because they were having our houses done there. august 1, 2008 was the last time i ever received a text message from my father. and the content may be mundane but till now it remains un-deleted. i had a flat tire that day. whenever i had a flat tire, it was he that i'd call. then he and our driver would come to me with the other car then i'll take the car with me and leave them fixing the one with the flat. that time it was different. since dad was in the province, it was the driver that i called and waited for. while waiting for the driver to arrive, i called my dad in quezon, i was teasing him that he should have been in manila to "save" me. we were joking around for 11 minutes till the driver arrived. then he gave me instructions thru text about the tires needing replacement. and that was that. those were the last text exchanges..
august 5, 2008, my parents came back to manila because dad was complaining of constant headaches while in quezon. he had a series of checkups and all they ever found was mild stroke but that was it. or so we thought.
august 10, 2008. it was a sunday. we just came from church and were on our way to shangrila when out of nowhere my father asked me "if there was one last gift i can give you, what would it be?" i never thought he really meant last, and knowing me, i jokingly replied, "a car." then he said, that type, so i said "SUV." he told me to research about the types i wanted ASAP. so i did. the top 3 were TUCSON, CR-V and RAV4. by august 14, my dad and driver have visited Hyundai to check out Tucson CRDi. by august 16, dad was already paying for the car. Buster arrived home August 20. from this time on, my dad was already complaining that he can't remember a lot of things.. he's starting to lose his short term memory and would sometimes talk stuff we can't understand. it was as if he was hallucinating things.
august 24 was the most painful day of all. it was a sunday and as usual after mass, we were going somewhere to eat for lunch. during that day's mass, my father was very different. he was very stiff and was having a hard time walking, so during the holy communion, we had to ask the priest to come to him instead. i knew back then, there was something terribly wrong coz he was superman, nothing ever made him weak. on our way to metrowalk, we were to eat at Misato, he said the most painful thing i can ever hear. i was his favorite, everyone knew that, so for him to say this, "sino ang nagdadrive? bakit hindi si peper?" my mom had to reassure him that it was indeed me, who was driving. i couldn't look at all and i was crying right then and there. i dropped them off in front of misato so that my dad need not walk far. then i parked. i didn't witness what happened by my mom told my that when they got there, my dad sat on the table instead of the chair and they had to insist he sit on the chair because he was adamant on staying on the table. he couldn't eat on his own and my mom had to spoonfeed him. i was just crying the whole time, i couldn't eat. and my mom kept on telling me "never ever be ashamed of your father. he's sick right now but we don't know yet with what."
i picked them up right in front of misato and went home. i went straight to my room to cry. there i called my kabarkada who was studying med and asked her if stroke could really cause those things.. i was looking for answers. i was with my officemate sa YM, telling her what happened when there were frantic knocks on my door. when i opened it, mom was there telling me we should bring my dad to the hospital, to polymedic, since i had a tito there who could oversee everything. our driver was in cebu at that time so the driving task was left to me. one hindrance? EDSA. the hospital was along edsa and back then i was terrified of it. i was calling my brothers but they weren't answering. i was a nervous wreck.. how could i bring my father to the hospital safely when i was scared. i didn't know what was wrong with him and i didn't know how to drive in edsa. finally my eldest brother called to ask why i called him and i told him we had to bring dad to the hospital. and before we did, dad actually had a lucid moment to tell us "never be scared. kelangan calm lang kami and everything would be alright"
a lot of painful things happened while he was in the hospital. i'm not strong enough yet to tell the tale of everything. just thinking about it now, brings back all the pain i went through. every sunday i'd visit him there, all i did was talk about everything like i used to. the sad part was that he never replied to my stories.i never got to hear his voice again and back then i would have done anything to hear it. ever since august happened, and until he died february 5, 2009, i was in pain. he was there and yet i couldn't talk to him. i couldn't pull a prank on him like i used to. he was just always asleep.
all this time, very very few people knew. on the outside i appeared ok, cheerful and happy. they never really saw me break down. i couldn't talk as much as i wanted to, as much as i needed to let it all out. why? because talking about it made it real. because i got it from my dad. whenever he had problems, he didn't bother other people with because he didn't want to be a burden. i felt like that too. if i tell them what was happening to me, they'd just worry. kaya i'm eternally grateful to those who were there with me through and through because there were just days i couldn't hide it anymore. that the burden was too much to bear, and yet they were there to carry a part of that burden with me. all the people were shocked when my father died because they never even knew he was sick. he died of encephalitis, a viral disease of the brain. one of the smartest men who ever lived died because of a brain disease. it couldn't be more painful than that.
makapal na kung makapal pero matalino ako and minana ko lahat yan sa tatay ko. siya nagturo sakin mahalin ang math at kung paano to padaliin. pareho naming ayaw ang science lalo na ang arts.. di kami creative. laging pinakapangit ang project ko kasi wala talagang hint of creativity. nalulungkot ako kasi sana hindi nalang ganito ang memory ko. sana gaya nalang ako ng iba na unless isulat, di na maalala. hanggang ngayon alam ko ang petsa. hanggang ngayon malinaw parin siya.
the deaths that have been occurring lately keep on reminding me of the pain i endured so when i watch all the proceedings, i can't help but cry with the people left behind because i was in their position too.
i always say i'm already okay, and yes i am. but there are those days i can't help wonder what would my dad do or say if he were here. i lost the most important man of my life and so i am still licensed to cry once in a while. it will never be completely the same. but we've learned to adjust and make do with the new routines we have started doing.
and now i end this painful tale. i hope my next update won't take more than a year.
note: forgive the typos and wrong grammar if ever there was one... i wrote from the heart and just kept on writing all that were coming out =)
posted by blueG @ 10:08 AM
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